Heartache, GO AWAY!!

Getting over Brandon sucks. Super sucks! I'm sure I will look back at this and laugh at myself for feeling so sad and depressed. But it's so HARD trying to get over a wonderful guy like Brandon. He was all that I've known for the last 2 years. And now all of those times spent together are all memories that I will have to lock away.

I was cleaning my room the other day and I took down our pictures, his sweet Valentines card and birthday card, and I put away the claddaugh ring he got me after we went to watch Rise of Planet of the Apes. I wore that ring every single day. Yes, even when I was dressed down in sweats and t-shirt. That ring only left my finger when I was working out or showering. And now, it's tucked away in a box....ready to be thrown away. As I was cleaning out my room and putting everything in my "Brandon Box," I broke down and cried. It was just so painful to look at our memory box. It was filled with our first movie tickets, the tickets to the Gwinnett Gladiator hockey game in which we had our VERY first kiss, shells from the first time he took me shooting, the very first flower he picked for me at Mulberry park, a leaf from the Hunting club when he took me hunting for the first time, memories from our trips, the list just goes on. I didn't want to go through the box. It was too painful to reminisce on great times with Brandon.

The past couple of days, I wasn't able to sleep or eat. I had no appetite to eat. I mean, would look at the food and force myself to eat it....because I knew I had to put something in my system, otherwise my body would just be breaking down muscle tissue. But I couldn't eat anything.
At night time, my heart just physically ached...causing me to stay awake missing Brandon. No, I didn't cry myself to sleep or anything. But I would just be tossing and turning all night long. My heart would be so heavy and just aching. I miss Brandon so much. All I wanted to do was just call him up and talk to him and hear his voice. He was my best friend and he knew how to calm me down. It hurt just knowing that I don't have the luxury anymore.

Anyway, I talked to Brandon last night and he told me that it hasn't been easy for him either. He told he that he still has my pictures up at his house and he still misses me a lot. He hasn't been able to sleep well either. He said that it feels as if I died. Wow, I didn't know that he was that messed up from the break up too.

But dang, I wish I were a guy. He doesn't show that he's sad. He says he hides it pretty well, but he really is torn up inside. He said that he'd often look at his phone, checking to see if I've texted him. But no....nothing from me. It made me feel a little better that we're both going through this same heartache together. He told me that he feels like Eeyore...just sad and doesn't know what to do with his life anymore. LOL. He has so much more going on his life than I do. See, at least he has the hunting club, house chores, etc. to keep him busy and his mind off of things. But for me, I have to find things to keep me busy. And no, I don't want to pick up photographing people to take up my time. I just don't have the desire at this moment. I just didn't realize how much my life was revolved around Brandon. Every place I go to, every song on the radio, everything I do...is filled with memories of Brandon. It's crazy, it's not like the guy is dead or anything. But man, I am going to miss him as my best friend, my partner in crime...my lover. All of it is gone.
Just gone.

I am at least doing better today. I am eating again!! My appetite is slowly coming back. But I can at least enjoy food now without feeling like I'm forcing myself to eat. Maybe this thing called, "moving on" isn't such a bad idea. It's scary right now...but I am hopeful that in end there are better plans for the both of us. Even if it means us not being in each others future.

Heartache is only temporary. The healing process has already begun and I can't wait to see the light at the end of this tunnel.